depression

Depression: An illness that involves the body, mood, and thoughts, that affects the way a person eats and sleeps, the way one feels about oneself, and the way one thinks about things. A depressive disorder is not the same as a passing blue mood. It is not a sign of personal weakness or a condition that can be wished away. People with a depressive disease cannot merely "pull themselves together" and get better. Without treatment, symptoms can last for weeks, months, or years. Appropriate treatment, however, can help most people with depression. The signs and symptoms of depression include loss of interest in activities that were once interesting or enjoyable, including sex; loss of appetite (anorexia) with weight loss or overeating with weight gain; loss of emotional expression (flat affect); a persistently sad, anxious or empty mood; feelings of hopelessness, pessimism, guilt, worthlessness, or helplessness; social withdrawal; unusual fatigue, low energy level, a feeling of being slowed down; sleep disturbance with insomnia, early-morning awakening, or oversleeping; trouble concentrating, remembering, or making decisions; unusual restlessness or irritability; persistent physical problems such as headaches, digestive disorders, or chronic pain that do not respond to treatment; thoughts of death or suicide or suicide attempts. Alcohol or drug abuse may be signs of depression. The principal types of depression are major depression, dysthymia, and bipolar disease (also called manic-depressive disease). Major depression causes a combination of symptoms that interfere with the ability to work, study, sleep, eat, and enjoy once pleasurable activities. Such a disabling episode of depression may occur only once but more commonly occurs several times in a lifetime. Dysthymia is a less severe type of depression with long-term chronic symptoms that do not disable, but keep one from functioning well or from feeling good. Many people with dysthymia also experience major depressive episodes at some time in their lives. Bipolar disorder (manic-depressive illness) is characterized by cycling mood changes: severe highs (mania) and lows (depression). Sometimes the mood switches are dramatic and rapid, but more often they are gradual. When in the depressed phase of the cycle, one can have any or all of the symptoms of a depressive disorder. When in the manic cycle, one may be overactive, overtalkative, and have excess energy. Mania often affects thinking, judgment, and social behavior in ways that cause serious problems and embarrassment. For example, the individual in a manic phase may feel elated, full of grand schemes that might range from unwise business decisions to romantic sprees. Mania, left untreated, may worsen to a psychotic state. Bipolar disorder is not nearly as common as other forms of depressive disorders. The signs and symptoms of mania include abnormal or excessive elation; markedly increased level of energy; less need for sleep; grandiose notions; racing thoughts and increased talking; increased sexual desire; poor judgment; and inappropriate social behavior. Clinical depression is still widely misunderstood. The prevailing attitude is "Keep a stiff upper lip, have a drink, maybe it will go away." About 12% of men and up to 25% of women suffer from depression during their lifetimes. While more women attempt suicide, men are more likely to be successful.

http://youtube.com/watch?v=pLjo7-J1qho

diaries (no date)

I want to get out of this fucking house, I hate this family of shitt, I hate it from the bottom f my heart, all you see in this house is anger, madness and sick shitt, you can never see a happy family and smiling faces, all you can hear is noise and people yelling at each other. I’m fuckin’ sick and tired of living this way. I want to get out of this hell. Now I feel like I want to hurt my self, anything sharp will do it; I want to feel physical pain so I can forget, even for few moments, my emotional pain. This last one hurts more than any other one. Some minutes ago, I held my breath so hard, and wished a vein inside my brain explodes so I can die and rest in peace. But it didn’t happen; I have to suffer more from this awful pain. Some days ago, everyone at my house asked me why I always wear black!!! They can’t feel what I feel, so they would never know the exact reason for me to wear that same colour day after day. All I see around me is dark even the blue sky and the shining sun are black; nothing in the universe has another colour other then black. I’ve forgotten the taste of happiness, the sound of a laugh and the view of brightness. As long as I keep on living between these walls my spirit would never rest in peace.

introduction

This is my story, it’s the first time that I write a text, I used to write poems, sad poems, I always talked to the papers, I’d rather do that then talk to other people, because that way I’m sure that no one would know my secrets. I always shared my feelings and motions with my books; they know every thing about me, absolutely everything. I have a diary, but I don’t write everyday, sometimes I forget, some other times I don’t have time to do it. It also depends on my mood, I can write great stuff only if feel sad or depressed. I felt today, at this special moment of the day, that I wanted to write something different then all the things I used to write, I want to share my story and my life with who ever reads these lines. I don’t know what to write, but words are just coming into my mind, word after word after word. I wonder what you’ll think of me, but this is the real me, there is no hiding anymore, I’ll say everything I can’t tell anyone about. I have thousand of things I want to say thousands of questions I want to ask, but these questions are so difficult to find answers for, if I keep on thinking I’ll lose my mind. I’m a very active person, I’m always laughing and having the maximum of fun I can get, I have so many friends that I love, I love adventures, I can try anything new, I’m always happy, but, once I’m alone, I can’t find that happy person anymore, I loose all sense of humour, my laughs are gone. I just sit on a dark side of my room, and think, think, and don’t stop thinking. I think about all the things I can’t do in the real world. Sometimes I even start talking to my self and acting strangely, I’ve never told anyone about this things, not even my parents, they’ll think I’m crazy or they won’t pay any attention to me, like if it’s not serious. When I think about all these things, I start crying, I cry about all the bad things that happened to me, I cry about all the good things I can’t accomplish in my life, I even cry about anything, nothing, for no reason. I’m so lost in my self, I can’t understand anything about me, I’m in chaos, I can’t find my real personality. Am I the happy, active girl or the sad lonely one? I don’t know. I’ve done some bad shitt in my life; I regret it, because it’s irreversible. But this is how life was made, we can’t go back and change what we’ve done, all we can do is live with it but we never forget it, because it’ll haunt us as long as we live. I still remember my childhood, like any other child, I played, I was naughty sometimes. I remember the town where we used to live, it was so beautiful. But the biggest part of my life was spent with my grand-mother, she raised me, I’m still living with her, I like her so much, but sometimes we fight, I often feel hate towards her and wish she dies. But still I love her more than anyone else, even if she’s old fashioned (in her mind) and closed minded, she thinks that we are still living in 1900. In what concerns my relation with my parents, it’s little bit cold, I don’t talk to them so much, I don’s spend much time with them, the reason for that is that I’m open to all kinds of discussions while they are not, if I stat talking to them I say thing I’m not supposed to say, and that’s when we start fighting. I prefer stay alone in my room talking alone them being around them. I’m a Scorpio, and Scorpios are known by there love for solitude, they don’t talk so much, so no one can know what they have in mind. I think that this is my reality, and the fact that I can’t stop laughing and jacking is only a way to hide the unexplainable sadness I have inside. I’m so lost in my thoughts, can’t figure out what is the matter with me and why am I so disordered!! I guess my life is a complicated mystery, I try hard day after day to solve the small questions given and I fight to survive, but at the end I’ll die without finding the answer to biggest question. And here I go again, tears are falling my eyes like the rain, every time I remember something or somebody I like and I miss I start crying. I need someone to listen to me, to let me do all the talking and don’t say a word, I have thousands of feelings I want to express, I need someone who lets me cry when I need to cry without telling me to stop, who lets me laugh without calling me crazy, who keeps my secrets as a safe, who shares my happy moments as well as my sad moments. I’m sick and tired of those who pretend that, I need a friend, a best friend, I don’t need a lover, a don’t need a fucker, I just need a soft person who understands me.