introduction

This is my story, it’s the first time that I write a text, I used to write poems, sad poems, I always talked to the papers, I’d rather do that then talk to other people, because that way I’m sure that no one would know my secrets. I always shared my feelings and motions with my books; they know every thing about me, absolutely everything. I have a diary, but I don’t write everyday, sometimes I forget, some other times I don’t have time to do it. It also depends on my mood, I can write great stuff only if feel sad or depressed. I felt today, at this special moment of the day, that I wanted to write something different then all the things I used to write, I want to share my story and my life with who ever reads these lines. I don’t know what to write, but words are just coming into my mind, word after word after word. I wonder what you’ll think of me, but this is the real me, there is no hiding anymore, I’ll say everything I can’t tell anyone about. I have thousand of things I want to say thousands of questions I want to ask, but these questions are so difficult to find answers for, if I keep on thinking I’ll lose my mind. I’m a very active person, I’m always laughing and having the maximum of fun I can get, I have so many friends that I love, I love adventures, I can try anything new, I’m always happy, but, once I’m alone, I can’t find that happy person anymore, I loose all sense of humour, my laughs are gone. I just sit on a dark side of my room, and think, think, and don’t stop thinking. I think about all the things I can’t do in the real world. Sometimes I even start talking to my self and acting strangely, I’ve never told anyone about this things, not even my parents, they’ll think I’m crazy or they won’t pay any attention to me, like if it’s not serious. When I think about all these things, I start crying, I cry about all the bad things that happened to me, I cry about all the good things I can’t accomplish in my life, I even cry about anything, nothing, for no reason. I’m so lost in my self, I can’t understand anything about me, I’m in chaos, I can’t find my real personality. Am I the happy, active girl or the sad lonely one? I don’t know. I’ve done some bad shitt in my life; I regret it, because it’s irreversible. But this is how life was made, we can’t go back and change what we’ve done, all we can do is live with it but we never forget it, because it’ll haunt us as long as we live. I still remember my childhood, like any other child, I played, I was naughty sometimes. I remember the town where we used to live, it was so beautiful. But the biggest part of my life was spent with my grand-mother, she raised me, I’m still living with her, I like her so much, but sometimes we fight, I often feel hate towards her and wish she dies. But still I love her more than anyone else, even if she’s old fashioned (in her mind) and closed minded, she thinks that we are still living in 1900. In what concerns my relation with my parents, it’s little bit cold, I don’t talk to them so much, I don’s spend much time with them, the reason for that is that I’m open to all kinds of discussions while they are not, if I stat talking to them I say thing I’m not supposed to say, and that’s when we start fighting. I prefer stay alone in my room talking alone them being around them. I’m a Scorpio, and Scorpios are known by there love for solitude, they don’t talk so much, so no one can know what they have in mind. I think that this is my reality, and the fact that I can’t stop laughing and jacking is only a way to hide the unexplainable sadness I have inside. I’m so lost in my thoughts, can’t figure out what is the matter with me and why am I so disordered!! I guess my life is a complicated mystery, I try hard day after day to solve the small questions given and I fight to survive, but at the end I’ll die without finding the answer to biggest question. And here I go again, tears are falling my eyes like the rain, every time I remember something or somebody I like and I miss I start crying. I need someone to listen to me, to let me do all the talking and don’t say a word, I have thousands of feelings I want to express, I need someone who lets me cry when I need to cry without telling me to stop, who lets me laugh without calling me crazy, who keeps my secrets as a safe, who shares my happy moments as well as my sad moments. I’m sick and tired of those who pretend that, I need a friend, a best friend, I don’t need a lover, a don’t need a fucker, I just need a soft person who understands me.